The Onion:

"Public reaction was favorable to the news that a glass of wine a day can help prevent heart attacks," Peavy said. "Of course, most people figured that eight glasses of wine a day must be better than one. And many Americans reacted well to the news that eggs probably wouldn’t kill them outright. Aside from that, they’ve pretty much ignored every word we’ve ever said concerning just about everything."

Because the experts’ advice was barely followed, the mass resignation is expected to have little impact on the lives of most Americans.

"Go ahead, America," Peavy said. "You don’t need us. Watch all the topsoil go down the Mississippi. Transport your children in baskets on top of your SUV deathmobiles. Keep playing with your cute and cuddly pal, the atom. Press your nose against the TV screen for even more educational 3rd Rock From The Sun enjoyment. Use plentiful gasoline to burn book- readers at the stake. Don’t eat anything but sugared pork lard. Do whatever you want."